A Brighter Shade of Blue

My Dearest Reader,

It has been nearly three months since last I wrote.  I won't lie, I've been having a hard time.  I often thought of coming to my blogs to write about my experience, but I felt so dark and so wobbly, that I thought it would be scary for anyone else to look at.  Inside myself, I knew I wouldn't leap off of the beckoning precipice, but you might not know that, and so I kept quiet. 

Looking back at it now, I would call these past few months a soulful time, but in the thick of it, it just felt hard.  Bronwyn's birthday came and went, and the weeks bookending the date were as painful as anything I can think of.   This pain is just something that I need to experience and integrate into my life now, and I cannot believe that I'm saying this but it does get easier. 

Finally, I am breathing deeply again.  The world feels less viscous to me now; I feel like I can move more easily, more lightly.  In the midst of this, what I will euphamistically call "hard time," I was comforted by friends and relations, by little notes of concern from you, and by spending long hours in my studio; sometimes creating, sometimes thinking, and sometimes just doing nothing.  I'm so grateful for all of that time and loving care. 

One emotional turning point for me came just a few weeks ago, when my Husband and I took a camping trip to my all time favorite beach in the Deception pass area.  I spent a long time sitting on a bluff watching birds soar, waves crash, and kelp sway in the swirling water below me.  I let the wind go through me, felt the rocks below me, and the vastness of space moving around me.  I was a speck, and it gave me perspective. 

I know that as much as I experience sorrow and emptiness from the physical loss of Bronwyn, spiritually she is with me more now than ever before.  She is that seed inside of me that encourages me to shine, to take care of myself, to have compassion for others, and to be fully present in the world.  Love doesn't die in the absence of one's beloved, which has been such an important discovery for me.  I will love Bronwyn until the day I die, and hopefully I can let that love continue to grow and come through me and everything I do.  Now that I'm starting to understand this concept, more things seem possible.  My mind is swirling with new possibilities and new hope.  I wonder what will happen next?