Thursday, October 13, 2011

A Brighter Shade of Blue

My Dearest Reader,

It has been nearly three months since last I wrote.  I won't lie, I've been having a hard time.  I often thought of coming to my blogs to write about my experience, but I felt so dark and so wobbly, that I thought it would be scary for anyone else to look at.  Inside myself, I knew I wouldn't leap off of the beckoning precipice, but you might not know that, and so I kept quiet. 

Looking back at it now, I would call these past few months a soulful time, but in the thick of it, it just felt hard.  Bronwyn's birthday came and went, and the weeks bookending the date were as painful as anything I can think of.   This pain is just something that I need to experience and integrate into my life now, and I cannot believe that I'm saying this but it does get easier

Finally, I am breathing deeply again.  The world feels less viscous to me now; I feel like I can move more easily, more lightly.  In the midst of this, what I will euphamistically call "hard time," I was comforted by friends and relations, by little notes of concern from you, and by spending long hours in my studio; sometimes creating, sometimes thinking, and sometimes just doing nothing.  I'm so grateful for all of that time and loving care. 

One emotional turning point for me came just a few weeks ago, when my Husband and I took a camping trip to my all time favorite beach in the Deception pass area.  I spent a long time sitting on a bluff watching birds soar, waves crash, and kelp sway in the swirling water below me.  I let the wind go through me, felt the rocks below me, and the vastness of space moving around me.  I was a speck, and it gave me perspective. 

I know that as much as I experience sorrow and emptiness from the physical loss of Bronwyn, spiritually she is with me more now than ever before.  She is that seed inside of me that encourages me to shine, to take care of myself, to have compassion for others, and to be fully present in the world.  Love doesn't die in the absence of one's beloved, which has been such an important discovery for me.  I will love Bronwyn until the day I die, and hopefully I can let that love continue to grow and come through me and everything I do.  Now that I'm starting to understand this concept, more things seem possible.  My mind is swirling with new possibilities and new hope.  I wonder what will happen next? 

11 comments:

Pam Corwin said...

Oh, dear Colleen. You are an amazing writer and an incredibly soulful woman. This is so touching and real. It's beautiful, poetic, honest and full of wisdom. Once again your writing has brought me to tears, for you and for Bronwyn of course, but also out of a deep appreciation for the way you show us all how to grieve and how to live. I love you.

Jo Ro said...

This is a lovely post

Livinia Redlips said...

This is a lovely post

Colleen MacDonald said...

Thanks so much. I love you back, Pam.

Eileen {bluebirdluxe} said...

Oh, Colleen. This truly is a lovely and beautiful post. Pam's words are so loving and peaceful. Beautiful. Please know you're in my thoughts. :)

Colleen MacDonald said...

Thank-You so much, Eileen.

Shirley L said...

Your post moved my heart and tears. You are a strong, giving women with so much to give yourself and all of us. Love you.

Colleen MacDonald said...

Love you, Shirley!

Anonymous said...

Awesome post

picciolo said...

Oh Colleen, I was so glad to read your post, not to hear that you have had a difficult time but to see how brave you are and how you are getting through it. I wish a bit of it would rub off on me!
: )

Georgina said...

I am glad that you are finding solace